The four stump speeches took well over two hours. Perhaps they’re simply planning to talk until Labour collapses
It fell to Chief Whip Stuart Andrew to introduce the four candidates. He began with a bit of a John Major tribute act – not droning on about the EU or having an onstage affair with Edwina Currie but talking about what the Tory party had done for him, a working class boy from North Wales.
I’m not sure the answer “making him chief whip of the smallest number of MPs they’ve ever had before probably sacking him when one of the people about to speak gets into power” was quite the sucker punch he thought it was.
Anyone for a badge? Tom Tugendhat had plenty Ian Forsyth
As well as foam fingers James McCauley/Shutterstock
Each candidate began with a video introduction. Cleverly and Tugendhat opted for a smattering of talking heads, Kemi FaceTimed various campaign supporters and Jenrick chatted to a man in a greasy spoon who had once met Boris Johnson.
First up was Tom Tugendhat; who wished delegates a “good morning” only to get a rather lacklustre reply. “Let’s try that again shall we?” he said, with the air of the not-angry-just-disappointed prep school master. He spoke of the last election: “Boy did that hurt”, he told the conference, as if he were describing how he’d stubbed his toe or got a paper cut. Well, up to a point Lord Copper; Tommy T’s majority in perma-blue Tonbridge is still comfortably five figures, albeit down from the nearly 27,000 majority he had last time.
A lot of cleaning up to do
But this wasn’t a time for pessimism; Tommy T claimed he could “feel the energy” that would bring the Tories back into power. Someone coughed gently in an otherwise distinctly unenergetic hall. He scored some points off public enemy number one, the PM. He was right, Tugendhat said, that things would get worse. “We’re going to have a lot of cleaning up to do in five years’ time”. Which, coming from the Tories, is a bit like the man with the matches and container of petrol asking whether he might have a go at a bit of fireproofing.
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Next was James Cleverly. He began with a pregnant pause before telling the conference that they needed to say sorry. “We have to be better, much better.” The prep school assembly vibes were clearly going to continue. Cleverly claimed he could have “sat this one out” and spent more time with his “wife, boys and Warhammer figures”, the latter a reference to the fact that he enjoys painting tiny little goblins who then go into battle with one another. One would have thought that was quite similar to what the leader of the Conservative Party has to do.
Robert Jenrick had his own abundance of badges, and hats too Christopher Furlong
Despite the lecture at the start, his big message was optimism – clearly designed to distinguish him from the grey quiffed Eeyore of Downing Street. Cleverly got the first big laugh of the day, recounting his mobilisation by the reserves during the Iraq war. “I thought I’d end up in Basra or Baghdad,” he said. “Instead I was sent to… Luton.” Which to be fair, may be the most dangerous of the three.
Cleverly’s affable demeanour, however, hides the classic Tory bloodthirsty streak. His gag about being deployed to Luton was not only charmingly self-deprecating but also a clever swipe at Tom Tugendhat, who had been on before and talked – like he always does – about his military service. There was also a not-so-subtle hit at Robert Jenrick; “As home secretary I didn’t walk away”. The Tories can never resist a little bit of internal psychodrama.
Jenrick himself was next, performatively eschewing the lectern. “I grew up just down the road in Wolverhampton!” he began. This stunning and brave achievement received one faint clap and an even fainter “woo”, presumably from a representative of the Wolverhampton Tourist Board. He then turned on Labour: there was a muted boo for Rachel Reeves whom he described “as wooden as Pinocchio and only barely more honest”.
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The law is an ass
Dressed in a not-so-subtle all-blue number, Badenoch gave an accomplished performance, albeit without landing a killer blow. She too relied on the school assembly tactic of rhetorical questions: “If Conservative principles are so great, how come we’re not in government any more?” she mused. There was Cummings-esque talk of institutional reform – and several helpings of red meat. “When the law says you can’t deport a foreign sexual abuser,” barked Kemi, “the law is an ass.”
Where Tugendhat’s speech fell quite flat, Badenoch and Jenrick received standing ovations; albeit not quite the full Pavarotti treatment that Cleverly got. Everyone overran the allotted 20 minutes; the four stump speeches took well over two hours to conclude. Perhaps they’re simply planning to talk until Labour collapses; government by the rules of Just a Minute.
Kemi Badenoch’s giveaways were arguably more tasteful Milo Chandler / Alamy Live News
As the candidates came out they were met by choreographed mobs of cheering flunkies, while their teams attempted to offload any remaining merchandise on the fleeing delegates. Team Cleverly people were actually lobbing tote bags into the scrum outside the hall. The bins at Birmingham New Street will doubtless be overflowing with Tugendhat fake tan and Jenrick T-shirts.
Meanwhile, in the latest from the unified Conservative Party (™), Hereford MP Jesse Norman tweeted his thoughts about Jenrick’s speech. “I am very sorry to have to say it,” he began. “But [that] speech was lazy, mendacious, simplistic tripe.” (Narrator: he was not very sorry to have to say it).
I suspect the biggest winner will be Cleverly, whose speech may have snatched him a place in the final two. That is, if you think being leader of a warring Conservative Party is a prize worth winning…
The four stump speeches took well over two hours. Perhaps they’re simply planning to talk until Labour collapses
It fell to Chief Whip Stuart Andrew to introduce the four candidates. He began with a bit of a John Major tribute act – not droning on about the EU or having an onstage affair with Edwina Currie but talking about what the Tory party had done for him, a working class boy from North Wales.
I’m not sure the answer “making him chief whip of the smallest number of MPs they’ve ever had before probably sacking him when one of the people about to speak gets into power” was quite the sucker punch he thought it was.
Each candidate began with a video introduction. Cleverly and Tugendhat opted for a smattering of talking heads, Kemi FaceTimed various campaign supporters and Jenrick chatted to a man in a greasy spoon who had once met Boris Johnson.
First up was Tom Tugendhat; who wished delegates a “good morning” only to get a rather lacklustre reply. “Let’s try that again shall we?” he said, with the air of the not-angry-just-disappointed prep school master. He spoke of the last election: “Boy did that hurt”, he told the conference, as if he were describing how he’d stubbed his toe or got a paper cut. Well, up to a point Lord Copper; Tommy T’s majority in perma-blue Tonbridge is still comfortably five figures, albeit down from the nearly 27,000 majority he had last time.
A lot of cleaning up to do
But this wasn’t a time for pessimism; Tommy T claimed he could “feel the energy” that would bring the Tories back into power. Someone coughed gently in an otherwise distinctly unenergetic hall. He scored some points off public enemy number one, the PM. He was right, Tugendhat said, that things would get worse. “We’re going to have a lot of cleaning up to do in five years’ time”. Which, coming from the Tories, is a bit like the man with the matches and container of petrol asking whether he might have a go at a bit of fireproofing.
Next was James Cleverly. He began with a pregnant pause before telling the conference that they needed to say sorry. “We have to be better, much better.” The prep school assembly vibes were clearly going to continue. Cleverly claimed he could have “sat this one out” and spent more time with his “wife, boys and Warhammer figures”, the latter a reference to the fact that he enjoys painting tiny little goblins who then go into battle with one another. One would have thought that was quite similar to what the leader of the Conservative Party has to do.
Despite the lecture at the start, his big message was optimism – clearly designed to distinguish him from the grey quiffed Eeyore of Downing Street. Cleverly got the first big laugh of the day, recounting his mobilisation by the reserves during the Iraq war. “I thought I’d end up in Basra or Baghdad,” he said. “Instead I was sent to… Luton.” Which to be fair, may be the most dangerous of the three.
Cleverly’s affable demeanour, however, hides the classic Tory bloodthirsty streak. His gag about being deployed to Luton was not only charmingly self-deprecating but also a clever swipe at Tom Tugendhat, who had been on before and talked – like he always does – about his military service. There was also a not-so-subtle hit at Robert Jenrick; “As home secretary I didn’t walk away”. The Tories can never resist a little bit of internal psychodrama.
Jenrick himself was next, performatively eschewing the lectern. “I grew up just down the road in Wolverhampton!” he began. This stunning and brave achievement received one faint clap and an even fainter “woo”, presumably from a representative of the Wolverhampton Tourist Board. He then turned on Labour: there was a muted boo for Rachel Reeves whom he described “as wooden as Pinocchio and only barely more honest”.
The law is an ass
Dressed in a not-so-subtle all-blue number, Badenoch gave an accomplished performance, albeit without landing a killer blow. She too relied on the school assembly tactic of rhetorical questions: “If Conservative principles are so great, how come we’re not in government any more?” she mused. There was Cummings-esque talk of institutional reform – and several helpings of red meat. “When the law says you can’t deport a foreign sexual abuser,” barked Kemi, “the law is an ass.”
Where Tugendhat’s speech fell quite flat, Badenoch and Jenrick received standing ovations; albeit not quite the full Pavarotti treatment that Cleverly got. Everyone overran the allotted 20 minutes; the four stump speeches took well over two hours to conclude. Perhaps they’re simply planning to talk until Labour collapses; government by the rules of Just a Minute.
As the candidates came out they were met by choreographed mobs of cheering flunkies, while their teams attempted to offload any remaining merchandise on the fleeing delegates. Team Cleverly people were actually lobbing tote bags into the scrum outside the hall. The bins at Birmingham New Street will doubtless be overflowing with Tugendhat fake tan and Jenrick T-shirts.
Meanwhile, in the latest from the unified Conservative Party (™), Hereford MP Jesse Norman tweeted his thoughts about Jenrick’s speech. “I am very sorry to have to say it,” he began. “But [that] speech was lazy, mendacious, simplistic tripe.” (Narrator: he was not very sorry to have to say it).
I suspect the biggest winner will be Cleverly, whose speech may have snatched him a place in the final two. That is, if you think being leader of a warring Conservative Party is a prize worth winning…